Dear Ahmad,Good day from bipolarhappens.com! I started to write a blog this morning and realized it was too long for the blog and too good not to pass along toeveryone – so here it is.
Obsessions Don’t Care Who or What You Obsess About

I’ve noticed that my broken brain simply likes to obsess on anything and everything. It could be a new person, or a small sentence someone said. (And I always feel there are mad at me and just haven’t told me yet.) It could be a CD that I can’t stop listening to and then I hear the music all night as I sleep. It can actually be anything, though I have to admit that it tends to be relationship or money oriented for myself, while others obsess about work, physical appearance and anything else that is slightly stressful.

I often feel really embarrassed to hear my own thoughts. I don’t really think this way! I’m a rather rational and self sufficient person, but the obsessions make me feel like a weirdo who can’t control her thoughts or behavior.

A friend of mine with bipolar disorder has the same problem. It’s great that we can talk to each other as it reminds both of us that obsessions are simply a part of the illness. What’s interesting is that the way we obsess is exactly the same, but her subjects are so different from mine. For example, mine last night were on a person I’m dating, a Jeff Buckley CD, worries about money, guilt about not working enough, a surgery I’m having on Monday on my shoulder, traveling with a friend in the future, etc. etc. All of this goes on at once with full on fantasies of what will happen just like watching a movie. How does the brain do so much at once? It’s very stressful and tiring, especially as I was not really able to get back to sleep.

For about an hour I tried to fight the thoughts and calm my brain. I kept saying to myself, these thoughts are not real! I don’t think this way when I’m well. I even yelled STOP! out loud.

Then I had the idea to just lie there and see where the thoughts went. It didn’t stop the thoughts but I could tell they were just a loop of ideas I really didn’t believe if I looked at them closely. They were not the real me. They were just a part of a malfunctioning brain that picked up on the things that happened to me during the day and turned them in to obsessions. I then decided to just let them run on without trying to stop them or answer them. And then I felt some peace. I always have to remind myself that if I look at my obsession Health Card it says the same thing over and over: Obsessions are a very normal, annoying and stressful part of bipolar disorder - and they are often caused by new situations and taking on too much in life. I'm going to look at my recent behavior and see what I need to change.

I wish that today is productive and good for you. I’m working on that for myself as well.

Julie Fast